Meetings

Its Been a long time since I’ve blogged. I need to more. This week has been good considering some bumps. Working my recovery program is hard. There are a lot of things inside of my daily routine that I aim to complete. Some days nothing gets done and weeks like this week are different. Many steps get taken to heal. It makes life a lot easier but harder at the same time because you are facing the pain.

Mindfulness. Mindfulness is what I would say is my biggest goal in life. As a person with Bipolar disorder, I’ve struggled to tame my mind. To tame my mind into a functioning part of me like say my hand. My hand always does what I need it to but I can’t count on my mind to do the same. Eckhart Tolley says we can watch our mind and become present by doing so. I hope to learn this and practice it daily.

Hurt. My wife hurts so much. Sometimes it seems that my wife and I are broken magnets that do not know how to attract correctly. Sometimes the magnets slip and grab on to each other with extreme force. Other times they flip and repel. I bring up hurtful history that causes pain. My wife became upset with me. I figured out what I was doing soon after our last hurt episode. I stab my wife with pain and then say, “What’s your problem”. I was able to be mindful this time. At first I became defensive. Then I stepped back like a boxer into the corner. I collected my feelings. I stayed present. As the bell rang I stepped back into to the ring like a flower bringing peace. I was able to see the pain I had just caused. I calmed down long enough to do my best to help the wounded. Not shake salt and watch pain hurt. I love her.

Recovery. Yesterday’ s SAA meeting was awesome. It’s interesting that a group of men that are all sex addicts are in a room to help each other heal from basically the sex crimes they have perpetrated. You would think that there would be discussion about sex but that is not the case. The discussion is a blue print on how to navigate life. That is what I learn in the room located in a Catholic Church every Tuesday.

I became a sponsor yesterday. I asked a long time member if he thought I could be a sponsor. He said I was ready. I’ve been working with one of the members. I asked him if I could sponsor him. He accepted. I am super happy to start helping others. Helping this young man will help me as well. All good stuff.

Tony (long time member, named changed) shared at the end of the meeting and brought all of the shares together. Basically the theme was guilt and shame. His words give hope to the guys that are new to SAA. The also inspires me to stay the course. I truly love this man and he has given many gifts to my recovery in the last 20 months. I thank him. If you suffer from sex addition, go to a SAA meeting.

Honey I love you.

Big Deal

I’m back. I stopped writing because basically my sponsor forbid it. I honored his wishes but the sponsorship dissolved. It bummed me out but I got over it. I’ve got a new sponsor and he approves of my actions. He let’s me decide what’s good for my recovery and what’s not.

Okay so checking in. I’ve been great. I have had ups and downs in the employment area but for the most part I’ve remained calm and worked through things well. I seem to be able to handle stress much better and really just feel like a new person. Eckhart Tolley has transformed my thought process in a big way. I suggest his books big time. I’ve never liked publications related to sex addition and get way more out of spiritual publications. I’m a Buddhist. I went to the temple today in fact at 6am. Tough to get up at 5 15 to make it there on time but recovery depends on staying the course. Two saa meetings a week. Two counseling sessions. And at least one temple visit. Plus daily reading of spiritual text. I read the Tao everyday and “Answers in the Heart”. Answers does relate directly to sex addition but it is a good book and helps.

So this is my recipe. I’m good. I went to saa  tonight and I really wanted to share with my blog the same feelings and share I gave tonight here. If you read this entire blog you will see my story. My victim story really. I don’t have much use for this story anymore. My story now is how I handle each day. Did I relate to my wife or the guy helping me at the store or any situation? Did I walk over the piece of trash or did I remind myself that a Buddhist would pick it up? Did I show my kids love or did I let myself get frustrated while spending time with them?  I handle each day the best I can and focus on it rather than a future. I can’t control and gain zero benefit from worrying about future events. I die to the past each moment and stay present as much as possible. I try to not control the people around me especially my wife and realize when I’m being controlling. This is who I am.

So here is my share I gave tonight at my 12 step and the reason I titled this post “Big Deal”. It seems that a lot of us addicts live in fear of our addiction and give addition a ton of respect but we miss the power that surrounds us. The guys I see that have success have tapped into the natural order of life. They no longer fight themselves but become themselves. The live the Tao. They become in touch with the source of being but still kinda worry about a relapse. Some health respect of our addition is probably very important. But the other side of that equation came to me tonight listening to the share of another addict that I respect. He talked briefly on the power of the room or our group. I shared for a second time on the topic because I saw something that just needed to be said. Addition can be stopped. I mean most everyone of us has had success and are sober. So our true nature is much more powerful than addition is. We need to flip the switch and see how much strength we really have. How we can be healed by our fellow addicts and just how important our 12 step is. If your reading this and have a addition problem you really should look into a 12 step program. They work and have extrem power over addition. Addition dies easy once you realize how strong recovery is. I’ve heard once in a meeting that Saa while ruin your addition and it does. Addition is not a Big Deal but you are. Recovery is the big deal and is much stronger than addition. That is why there is such a thing as sobriety and why with long stretches of sobriety it gets easier. It grows like a snow ball ripping down a steep mountain.

I also figured out that if we truly live one day at a time and are in the moment, we can solve the problems of each day. If our head is not focused on the future problems we may or may not face, we can deal. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Her now. Be present. I got to live by this and be this. If I live in harmony with my true self I will be free from addiction. Addition is they opposite of the natural order of being. It is crossed wires. Brain malfunction. Not health and not “One” with all there is. I preach to myself not to you. I write this to remind myself of truth and defeat addition because addition is not powerful but recovery from addiction is all powerful.  Recovery is easy if you stop fighting who you really are and be you. Be real and one with what is.

Oatmeal

I’ve been eating oatmeal in the morning.     It helps get me out of bed. I love to eat and the anticipation of a hot meal is enough. I’m not depressed or anything, it’s just my house is so cold. Getting out of bed means freezing. It takes a bit to get the kitchen warm. Then it’s time to wait for the bus on the porch with the kids. I’m ready for this winter to be over. I can’t remember a winter this cold in ages. Here in the south, it’s usually warmer.

After the hard week I had, things are getting better. Hannah said life is up and down. I always seem to be surprised by this. I think I can control the way everything will play out. Usually with a lie. Then things blow up in my face again. Of course I always lite the fuse.

If you read my last two posts, it explains my last disaster. I see the layers of damage that I cause to Hannah. They surface like rings on a stump. I’ve got to do better this time. I’m a grown up there’s no reason why I’ve got to lie to Hannah like I’m one of the kids. Especially now that I’m not hiding my addiction from her. I’m sober. I don’t have to hide the last acting out or what not. Whatever happens from now on I’ve got to be honest. Why this is so hard? I don’t understand. I don’t want to keep knocking Hannah down and adding to the pain. We are kinda getting back to normal, but I see the hurt on the surface.

My sponsor says under no circumstances should I have Facebook. Facebook was the catalyst. The catalyst that promoted my lie. It should of been a opportunity to tell Hannah what was going on. Hannha wants me to stay on FB. She says that Facebook is now a way of life. My sponsor says that he did everything his sponsor told him to do. He says this is what finally changed his life. Am I being naive? Should Facebook be out of my life? Can sex addicts deal with such a thing? If you have a opinion please leave a reply. I’ve restricted fb as much as I can. I’ve limited my friends to mostly family. Hannah wants me to be on. I’ve got to tell my sponsor tonight that I’m back on. I’m afraid he might drop me. That would suck. I can’t lie and act like I’m still off.

Even with all the struggles I still face, I’m happy to be where I’m at now. Saa can change your life. Almost four months clean.

F&$K up

My whole life, my selfish self, dishonest self has jacked everything up. I always had secrets. When I was five I was obsessed with building fires. I would steal matches from my friends mom’s and dad’s. My parents did not smoke. I would day dream about finding matches or a lighter. I would build fires by the side of my house by my bedroom window. Track homes in Las Vegas were surrounded by tall brick walls. The side my bedroom was on did not have a gate and was well protected from view.  A five year old with matches building fires by the side of my house with dry dessert weeds. My house should have been burned to the ground.  My father still lives there. Only my childhood friends know about my pyromania . I lit fires in the dessert with them. Dangerous fun with the Lost Boys of Las Vegas. I’ve never confessed this addiction to my father.

I’ve been playing with fire ever since. Now I call it sex addition. My whole life I knew I had a addictive personality. I saw drug addicts around me forever. My mom left me at five. She married her coke dealer and left to Dallas Texas. I just called her and asked why. She said because her knew husband could get construction work there. Vegas e’s growth slowed 1981. So she left my father and her family for construction work. She told me she forgot that she even moved there. I have never forgotten. I know she left us. I feel her guilt. I’m so angry right now. I always shook my head at my mom but what difference is there between us. Nothing really. We’re both selfish people.

My mom and I have walked through life setting fires. Burning those who love us. Again Hannha is above me crying. She sitting in our bed in my latest fire. It is burning bright. This is a max pity party. Bring matches. Let’s burn it all down. F it. I’m downstairs doing nothing to put out the flames.

I have no energy. I can’t move. I’ve never been good at anything. I failed at every management job. Or any job for that matter. I’ve been at my latest job for less than a year. I burn everything. I don’t have long term friends. My whole family is in counseling because of the damage my addiction has caused.

So what is the answer. I feel for the first time in my life that I know what that is. Buddhism. But that is a fight. I want Hannha to join me. To believe that this can help me, us. To her I’m a phony. She know the real me. It sucks to be the broken wheel in a relationship with a person who is next to perfect. Hannah could have had a great life with someone else. I feel I should set her free. I’m to selfish to do that. That would be honorable. I’m not honorable. I’m a liar. It is just me my first instinct, lie always and do it well.

Age five. For me this year of my life has always has significance. I know this year lit the flame that is now the forest fire. I can’t believe my mom does not even remember that she left her family. She said that was a big mistake. Really you think. She has never told me sorry. I’ve been thinking about her departure for 34 years. F% uk . Damn I’m upset right now. It just seems this well never end. Age five. I’m stuck there………..I guess I should get ready for work. I hope my life changes. I hope Hannah can heal. I don’t know how to help her. I guess changing my lying ways is the place to start. I give up. I can’t fix it. Stay sober. Stay sober and love her. I’m I’m pain. She is in pain. My skin is on fire. I’m in a bipolar mania . I hate feeling this way . I want out. Just to get out. Just be free. Experience happiness with my family and protect them. I hope my kids don’t suffer from addiction. God please I hope I don’t pass this on. Hannha I love you. I’m sorry honey. I’m so sorry. I want help. Please know I’m sorry I need help. I need help. I need help. Please god help me. Help me. Help me. F% ck.

Not Again

I hurt Hannah again. I ran her over. I can’t explain where this dumbness comes from. I don’t understand why I did this. I think my unconscious mind wanted her to know the truth.

Facebook. I shared Tuesday night in Sex Addicts Anonymous about a Facebook thread. My wife commented on a thread of someone that was friends with someone I had an affair with. I saw this and panicked. That night I got a fb message from this person. The person noticed my wife unfriend them and asked if Hannah was upset with them. I quickly deleted the message. I looked for changes in Hannha ‘ s behavior. I did not see any. I was so scared to cause hurt again.

My sponsor called me on the way home from my meeting and told me I needed to get rid of Facebook. I tried to block this person so I could no longer get FB messages from them days earlier. So Wednesday my plan was to unfriend every person I am friends with from Las Vegas. I don’t need a connection there. It is only causing hurt that I’ve caused in the past to surface making me dishonest because now I have to run around trying to cover up crap. I should have told Hannah what happened in the first place. I’m a liar, a sneak, and a cheat so I do what I always do and tried to cover this all up.

I could not figure out how to block someone. I went to settings and blocking and typed the first few letters of this persons name. I was hoping their name would populate. No luck. I found their name on Facebook and wrote it down. Because of my dyslexia, I can’t spell well or remember a name I just read. I type the full name into the block screen. FB told me, “Person not recognized”. I was afraid to touch any menu on this persons page. I saw a arrow pointing right in the top corner. It prompted a menu that said block. I blocked this person and others from my home town. I grabed my wife’s tablet and blocked this person as well. I was worried that Hannah would see what I had done but figured it was best. What was best would have been to just tell Hannah. I talked to my councilor about this when it first happened and she said to just delete the message and not to respond. We decided not to tell Hannah because it would just hurt her.  Okay so job done. Everyone from my past is out of my fb world except my close family.  I got ready for work.

At work my phone rang. It was Hannah.  I left the paper with the name on my bed. I had a conversation about what to do with the paper in my head while I took a shower. I was going to burn it. I decided to flush it. That never happened. So here is the liar again. Dumb. Sad. Still in the sleeping bag on the couch. I’ve tried to talk to Hannah. Things are all a mess again.

She feels like this well never end. So do I. Despite my best efforts I keep smashing her heart. My dishonest efforts caused this pain. Secrets are what caused all of my mess in the first place yet I still try to control things. I still think it is possible to keep things from Hannah. If you read some of my old posts you will see that I admit that my lying skill sucks now but I still count on them to keep the selfish me safe. People still tell me to keep things from her and I listen. Now this is not the peoples fault. This is my fault. This is me. Max the liar.

Ego

I read somewhere that ego stands for edging god out. This makes complete since to me. For me Ego is all about concentrating on what I want people to think of me. Or what they just saw me do. If they liked what I just did. If they were upset with what I just did. If I just did something deliberately to make the angry and now I have to fix it. Harass them until they are happy with me again, witch is a process I don’t suggest by the way.

The picture above is a dessert I made. I put this picture up because I want you to see it and love me because I created it. I should just thank god that I have hands and can make such a thing but my surrounding thoughts about this simple dessert are surrounded by ego. Do you like it? Tell me you like it. Does it taste good? Please tell me it tastes good? I need you to love me. Please fill me up.

I made this dish and said nothing. Three people came up to me and told me they loved it. Two were servers and one was a cook that I don’t get along with all that well. He is great because he gives a challenge. A challenge to be zen. More about him (“B”) later. I got the attention I craved by relaxing and not asking everyone to love me. The problem is, I still so needed that validation. I want to create simply because God gave me what I got to do so. Not because I have to show you that I can create better than you. If I was acting without ego, looking at your creation would fill me up. Tasting what you make and enjoy the flavor.  Instead I try to compete.

I make a point to tell the other cooks that I like their creations. I think my motive it still based in “EGO” because this is a attempt for them to do the same for me.

Something that I do constantly is talk about my jobs in Las Vegas. It literally drives me nuts. I hear myself doing it and I just can’t stop. I hate it. I really got to work on that. I think I might count days that I don’t mention Vegas like days of sobriety.

Back to the cook we will call “B”. He is new to sauté. I work grill. We work side by side. I depend on him to complete my dishes. I cook the meat and then he puts the starch and the vegetables on the plate. He forgets to give me the starches that go in the oven. They take time so if we don’t have them when we plate it slows the kitchen down. The chef gets super upset if we miss something. If we do “B” blames me. This is great because it gives me a chance to behave myself. Not to get offended or hurt. I think I’ve been doing an excellent job at not reacting. I am very proud of myself. A first I was getting upset when this would happen. I also have a responsibility to make sure everything is done correctly. If something is missed, we share the mistake. I am going to do a better job supporting “B”.

I want to be a palm tree and bend with the wind. I don’t want to break like other trees do in a storm. Just go with the wind and rain. Enjoy every moment. Be present. Free from pain and full of love for those around me. I feel a shift. Max is changing.

Ps.

Tomorrow’s meeting I will get my three month chip. Over 90 days sober. One day at a time baby.

Letter to “G”

“G” is my old boss. I’m writing a letter to him to resolve my anger. A injustice recently happened. He hurt another. I had a discussion in counseling and with my wife about writing to resolve my pain.  I learned from a former employee what happened to Chef. I realize I am holding on to anger that I need to let go. I have no vested intrust in the happenings at my former employment place yet I’m holding on to it. Maybe this will help.

I worked as a Food and Beverage Manger. The job was easy at times and hard at others. Our department worked on strict budgets for things like food and labor. The problem was we had a breakfast buffet that put strain on our budget. “G” would constantly want more expensive items on the buffet to increase customer appreciation. The hope was this would drive scores higher but what it did was raise our food cost. The buffet was draining the Chef and I’s budget. The major hotel chain I worked in sent surveys to the guests. This is how the hotel’s “score” was calculated.

Chef and I did the best we could  to achieve scores and cost percents but  failed to reach goals constantly. Some months were great but others not so great. Our hotel was rated number two on a popular review sight separate from the chains scoring system. This sight drove business. The hotel was very nice. You would think we all would be happy and enjoy our successes. Our hotel was also ranked high on the scoring system and won awards.

“G” was so stressed to keep us on top that in my opinion he would harass Chef and I. We played our part. We were to blame for some of our issues, but it was the way he went about discipline. That was just insain. Chef and I had been around the logest. I think he felt safe to let he stress go on us because he knew how much we depend on our jobs. The other managers in the hotel were single. They were also stronger and would not put up with the crap like Chef and I. We had become broking down. Lol, whatever.

So “G”, here we go.

“G”, you are a jerk. I would stand up for your behavior to my staff and my employees, even my wife. I would sometimes bitch and moan about the way you treated me. Over and over I would try and make it better. Wake up and start a new day with energy and passion. Again you would create a fictional problem that slowed my department. The guests we served would rave over a banquet experience and you would find fault. Pull us into your office to berate us.

The last straw for the VP was a meeting about a banquet served 12 minutes early rather the 15. (This banquet was served on my day off). Chef and I were reprimanded and Chef was asked to leave the meeting by the VP. She said that all of agreed that any problem were my soul responsibility, regardless of the circumstances. VP said in not so many words that I was going to lose my position. After the meeting I broke down and cried. It was not the first time. Most of the time I could make it out the door before breaking down. Not on this occasion. I lost my religion in front of you. Fear of losing my stupid job that supported my family of five just sucked. Then your tune changed. You felt guilty. You even said you never saw the VP act the way she did. All your frivolous emails created the storm. Later you explained that the company could just eliminate my position. That way I could get unemployment insurance. Lol. You guys fired me on the phone. Both of you said something about not wanting to do this in person. Why was that? Mabey you knew it was crap. Even the VP sung a song of guilt over my firing. I was like whatever at this point. I could go on an on about how they created this flipped up mess. Instead I will say something I’ve learned in SAA. “I’m the problem the problem is me.” I still believe I could of made this work. Whatever.

You are a jerk. You suck. You have not a clue when it comes to managing people. You could never handle a issue calmly. Always running to the VP to join your meetings for back up. Looking back, you were smart. You needed to take heat off of yourself. Stupid thing was, most of the time there was not a problem. If a guest that just payed $2000 for a banquet event, and loved it? Then why then do you need to have a flipping bitch meeting? You’re nuts. You cause drama and I don’t like you very much. You used me as your scape goat.  I know your invented problems persist. I’ve also heard that you’ve told others you let go the wrong guy. Truth is Chef should keep his job. It is you that needs to get it together.

After learning that you suspended Chef for something stupid I was super upset. I wanted to call you and give you a piece of my mind. Thank god I came to my senses and did it here. I know Chef is sitting at home scared. Scared about how he will continue to support his family. I hope you don’t fire him like you did me. I’m glad I am out of your crap hole, so thank you for the termination.

I wish you well. Maybe someday you will grow up. Your youth is your fault. Just be nice.

Okay so I got it out. This goes against who I’m trying to be. Above was the old me. The new me wants to be zen. I want to be a Buddhist and be a compassionate human being. “G” could also be a friend at times. That is what kept me there. Made me want to keep going. I know a great person is inside of “G” just like there is a great person inside all of us. “G” just had a new baby and also has a beautiful family. “G’s” wife is super cool. “G” is just trying to be happy like all of us. I truly wish him and his family well.

Getting Closer

Children are affected by addiction.  Addiction hurts everyone in a family. My children saw fights between my wife and I. I think during one of my bipolar freak outs my daughter knew I wanted to hurt myself. During those dark days before I was medicated and in treatment for my addiction, everyone was suffering.

I have not been the best listener. I’ve yelled at the kids for this and that. I hear myself and feel guilt. I have apologized but the damage is done. We spanked when they were little but I stopped that as a form of  discipline. We use “Sitting on the steps”, (time out). I knew my anger could over take me. Time Out works for us. I also stopped yelling at my dog for getting in the trash. The worst I do to her is the silent treatment. I wish I could be as patient with the kids.

Okay so the point is, I feel myself getting closer with everyone in the family. I’ve always been loving with the kids but I did not pay attention to what they were saying. I was distant. I would not play with them much. They would irritate me quickly. Whatever. Some of the changes relating to them have just happened, but some have been deliberate. I still behave poorly but there are moments now that I see myself getting better.

Yesterday Hannah was out with a friend. So the kids and I went out for Chinese food. This is the littlest ones favorite. The conversation was about Buddhism. I was explaining different aspects of the religion. I told them that Buddhism is based on compassion and kindness. I explained that we needed to try and relate to each other this way and the “T” (youngest) should not hit when he is upset with the other two. He has anger issues like his dad. Then I asked them to tell what they were greatfull for. Their answers were awesome. We just re did their play room so I told them I would like their toys picked up when they were done playing. Bell explained that her mom and I come in while they are playing and ask them to clean. Her issue was that they are not given a chance to do the right thing. I just listened and then said I understand.

All three got up and went for dessert. I did not notice but there was a older lady sitting behinds us. She said, “you really listen to your kids. You are a great parent.” I said thank you and we chatted a bit more. She caught me on a good day but her complement is motivation to continue listening to the children. Relate to them. Get “Closer”, as a family.

One more thing before I go. The dog drove me nuts forever. Her and I are now friends. We sit together more and love on each other.

Can’t Sleep

I don’t have this problem much anymore.(sleeplessness) A night like this before would have resulted in a acting out session. I started reading a blog on here in stead. It made me feel awful. The person expresses his sex addition in a vivid real and honest way. The sad thing is that he has not sustained any sobriety.

I know this person the same as I know myself. I know the pain he feels and what he uses to medicate. I’m not better than him. I do feel sadness for him none the less. I guess because of the sadness I have over the acts I committed and the parallel behaviors we both exhibit.

Since I started in my recovery, I had periods of sobriety. In the last 400 days less than 12 have been filled with addictive behaviors. That does not make me better than anyone. My sponsor says, “If you have a day of sobriety, then your tied for first place with anyone in the program”. One day at a time as they say. But this person bothers me. I guess because it shows what we as sex addicts are capable of. It is a mirror. I have stood before it. The behavior is disgusting. Gross. Damaged. Pain expressed in a unhealthy, unnatural way that only leads to suffering. It’s good to examine this man’s pain because his actions are my own.

Fear is a motive. Fear creates a desire in me to change. Fear also scares the hell out of me. What if I fail. What if I became this suffering man again.

Love is hope. I hope my love stays  strong. My beautiful Hannah is next to me. I love her.

I have felt a shift. I spend a large part of my day reading about Buddhism. I try to go to temple twice a week.  Only love can break a fall. Go sobriety.

Checking in, February 4th will be 90 days clean.

Happy Nights.

Hannah and I have been working on the house. She started buying furniture a while back at thrift stores. I used to have to have everything new. She re does the furniture. Paints it up and stuff. Puts a new handle or pull on it. She rocks with a can of spray paint. I love to decorate. I used to paint on canvas but these days I paint the walls of my home with Hannah and hang pictures. We just did a space theme for my son. Came out pretty cool. Anyway, this has become something I love about her. We have been in our 3000 square foot home for about 3 years know and most of all the furniture is second hand.
The latest piece is a vintage leather couch. $100 bucks. Just beautiful. She found a piano($40) for the same room that the coach now sits. It looks amazing. The room is painted brick red. The home is over a hundred years old. The room is the front sitting room and has to floor to ceiling windows. Her favorite painting I did years ago hangs in the room as well.

This post is not all about decorating though. You can go to pintrest for that. This post is about enjoying time spent with Hannha. She is my favorite person.  We had a date to night at a great restaurant. I loved looking across the table and seeing her. All my dreams and hopes reside in her glow. Anyone who has ever took the time to know her, loves her completely. I spent time later with her and my three kids in our new red room. We laughed and watched the kids perform their new “Taco Dance”. Life is good. I guess all you do is open your eyes and live it. I stayed in darkness for so many years. I gotta tell you. I love getting better. I had a awesome meditation today. Like the whole day was nice. Honest and nice. I feel happy. I love you Hannah.